Phew. The last two months or so have seen some long days at the office (albeit including two trips, one home and one Roorkee). While it does feel good to be utilized well by the company, there are only so many Friday nights that you'd like to miss because you had a Client Call or a report to be sent out. This week has finally brought some relief in terms of the workload and so yours truly got down to writing another post.
Well, this post is about a certain phenomenon that I've observed in the last one year or so. It involves the fans of that beautiful game, Football. The Indian youth has taken a strong liking to Football in the last decade and one of the major reasons behind that has been the comprehensive all-round coverage of Football on TV. Hence, we've seen a massive surge in the viewership of Football as well as the fact that more and more kids and teenagers are playing Football in school and College. While this is a heartening trend, it has also given rise to a new species, viz. the Frivolous Football Fanatic (henceforth referred to as FFF).
FFFs usually roam around in packs , and are often found clad in Manchester United, Chelsea or Barcelona jerseys. Certain quirks have been observed in their behavior ,including
1. Stressing the last part of every word (example: Rooneeyyyyyyyyy, Messssiiiiiiiiiii, Goallllllllllll, etc.)
2. Gesticulating to invisible people in their sleep
3. Diving suddenly, clutching their shins and making fake-grimacing faces, for no apparent reason.
4. Having heated discussions about the merits and demerits of certain numbers (442, 433, 4222, 4411 etc). You might think, 'hey, my 3rd Grade maths teacher taught me that numbers can only be compared quantitatively and not qualitatively'. But then, we are talking of FFFs here.
Other characteristics include the rather girlie obsession with colours (Red and Blue in particular) and always arguing with others while saying something like 'Hey, that moron dived!" or "Hey, he elbowed me and not the other way round!"
Ofcourse, we also have the other species, the GFFs (Genuine Football Fanatics), who, while sharing some of the traits of the FFFs, generally know what the dickens they're talking about and unlike FFFs, don't think that Red Cards are what you send your lover on Valentine's Day. It's been proved that GFFs are a progressive people and contribute to the diversification of the society while FFFs are, well, to put it mildly, an inconvenience to a certain anatomical area.
FFFs are known to have a strong affinity for GFFs (the converse may not be true), and infact aspire to become GFFs, one fine day. Hence, they can be found watching football matches keenly with GFFs, knowing when to make what noises, so their identity isn't revealed. Professors of Zoology have found similarities between their behaviour and that of a cattle herd.
I've had my share of interaction with FFFs and it has prompted me to present to you a dialogue.
The Scene is set in a normal living room. The people present are yours truly and a couple of FFFs. One of these creatures is clad in a no.10 jersey, ala Rooney and is sporting earrings, ala Becks. Let's call him FFF1. Another one of these creatures is wearing a red jersey, white shorts, black socks and red studs. He possesses certain large red-and-yellow spots of paint on his face, and is observed to blurt out "Red Devils Forever", intermittently, along with FFF1. Let's call him FFF2
Me (Entering the room): Hey guys, how's it going?
FFF1: Wadddyyyaa mean how's it going? Ofcourse it's going super-fantabulously-well for the Reds, and hence for us (winks at FFF2). United are at the top of the standings, once again. Glory, glory!
Me: But doesn't Chelsea have a game in hand?
FFF1: (Snorting and scoffing) Dude, how many times have I asked you NOT to mention the Chelshits in front of me and him (points to FFF2). It like, totally spoils our moods. Why waste energy talking about them when we can talk about the greatest club on the planet. You know what I'm talking about, right? (Silly grin directed towards me)
Me: Er, yes I do.
FFF1: Moreover, the Blues (uses air-quotes) have been going downhill ever since Mourinho left, and their current coach, Hugh Grant is a complete moron and whatnot.
Me: Okay, that's wrong on so many levels! Firstly, it was Avram Grant who was their Manager, and not Coach, and their current Manager is Carlo Ancelotti.
FFF1: Oh yeah, the guy who came from Inter Milan. But who really cares if its Hugh Grant or Avram Grant or Grant Flower? The Blues aren't worth keeping track of. Glory, Glory Red Devils! (Hands all up in the air)
Me: Uh, ummm.... Carlo Ancelotti came from AC Milan, I think.
FFF1: (Looking flustered now) Look, you want to hang out with us or not? We'll not have any of this Chelsea nonsense in this room anymore!
Me: Alright, alright. We can talk about other things.
FFF1: Or do you want to talk about other pathetic clubs like Loserpool, oops Liverpool. Sorry, slip of tongue, LOL! (Hysterical laughter everywhere, for the next two minutes)
Me: (Trying to start conversation again, amidst all the giggling) Ahem, I was watching a match on TV the other day, and this team scored 4 times, but the ref. didn't allow the goals because each time, someone was offside!
FFF2: Oh yeah, the Offside. Wasn't Saurav Ganguly like, totally, super-awesome on the off side? Ravi Shastri, he of the cliche' club, LOL, said one time that on the offside, you have God and then you have Saurav Ganguly.
Me: (Not knowing how to react, wondering to myself) Was I talking about Cricket? Did he just say Saurav Ganguly?
Me: (talking to FFF2): Er, um, I think I meant the Offside rule in Football, you know the one with the whole one-defender-behind-you clause, remember?
FFF2: (Caught off guard) Ofcourse, ofcourse, yes, yes, the offside rule, offside, offside rule (I swear to God, I was reminded of Lord Emsworth from P.G. Wodehouse that time). Ah, er, um, hey, what's that thing on your wrist? Looks like a nice watch to me! (Wink, followed by sly grin). That's a totally swell piece of metal and leather you have on your wrist there. Where did ya get it?
Me: My Dad gifted it to me.
FFF2: So, your Dad! Did he get you into football? I know mine did! Ever since I saw Roberto Baggio miss that penalty in the '94 world cup, I've been glued to this beautiful game (A blatant lie, that. Some days later, in an inebriated state, he told me his younger brother explained to him the rules of the game in second year of college).
Me: (Not knowing what to say) Oh, that's so sweet! (I heard it. L.A.M.E)
FFF2: So, tell me, big guy, did you watch that classic match from 1999? No prizes for guessing which one! LOL (Followed by a slight show of tongue, the physical version of the :P)
Me: (Pretty certain that he's talking about the Champions League Final of '99) Ah, well, I wasn't really much into Football that time, so I didn't really watch that match. But yes, I've heard so much about it, how United scored those two goals in injury time to take the Cup!
(Shock, horror in the room. I've told them I didn't watch the '99 CL final. FFF1 is staring at me , mouth open, jaws diverging to infinity, as if I'd swallowed a python in front of him. )
FFF1: (After gathering his composure) Dude! Dude! Dudddeeee! (Lord Emsworth, again) You're kidding, right? Please tell me you are! How do you expect us to talk to you if you've not watched that match? (Speaking to FFF2 now) Get that match from YouTube. NOW! We need to teach this one here a thing or two about being a Red Devil!
(Thankfully, tempers have lowered and calmness is back in the room)
Me: (Fearing these goons a little now) Oh, ofcouse, I'd love to see that match!
FFF2: Hey man, can I ask you something? Don't take it otherwise. When did you ever become like this? We used to be the best of friends and hang out together. And now suddenly, I'm seeing new sides of your personality.
Me: (Pissed off now, but trying to stay calm) Ah, er, um, you know, well, leave it, lets talk about it sometime later (What the dickens am I supposed to talk about?)
FFF2: (Smiling benevolantly now, like a father, whose on the verge of forgiving his son for stealing his Playboys) Oh, that's okay, I know you're a good guy. Speaking of good guys, isn't Rooney like totally in the form of his life? He scored twice against Fulham, 32 goals this season! Atta boy Rooney! The Red Devils can now claim to have the greatest footballer to have ever stepped foot on the planet. Bring on Loserpool! Glory, Glory!
Me (losing it a little): Look, guys, can I say something?
(Both FFF1 and FFF2 look at me with the milk of human kindness in their heart)
FFF1: Ofcourse you can, big guy!
(I've had enough by now. So I also decide to launch into a tirade, albeit not entirely correct, but driving home the point nonetheless)
Me: Alright, see in my humble opinion, based on whatever little football I've seen, I consider Messi to be a better footballer than Rooney. Rooney has the power and the precision, and he's probably the biggest name after Eric Cantona, but Messi is much more elegant, with the same goal-scoring ability. Rooney has to argue with refrees, sarcastically clap at them, elbow defenders and the like to score goals. Messi just has to turn up on the field. I know Rooney has mellowed down and all that, but in his early days, it seemed that playing football was an inconvenience that came in the way of his arguing, elbowing and creating rackets.
(All hell has broken loose. Blasphemy has been committed. I start looking behind my shoulder for hidden predators. FFF1 has already murdered me mentally, some 14 times.)
FFF1: Okay, I have to ask you then. If you don't think Manchester United is like totally the best club side ever, why the hell do you watch football ?
Me: (The pieces fall into place) Oh, so this is what it was all about. Well, I don't watch football because I'm a big fan of United, Chelsea, Barcelona or any club. I watch football because I like good football. There's a certain thrill in watching a person dodge the entire midfield plus two defenders to net the ball. That person could be anybody, even a striker from Wolverhampton. Plus, I'm more of a footballer-fan than a club-fan. These guys anyway keep moving from one club to another. So what do you do then? Ronaldo was adored when he was at OT. Now that he's moved to Real Madrid, he's being called names. That's highly hypocritical! I'm pretty certain if AC Milan poaches Rooney one day, you buffoons will probably start cursing him as well!
(The entire room joins hands, in a show of defiance)
FFF1: Well, we'll not be swayed by your nonsense! All this talk of being a footballer-fan is pure apple sauce. Manchester United was, is and will remain forever the best club in the world and anyone who ditches them will be looked upon as a traitor. Just like Beckham, who went to the New York Galaxy and now Inter Milan. Glory, Glory, Manchester United!
(At this point, the theme song starts playing on YouTube. The buffoons start shoving huge "Believe" placards in my face and confetti is in the air. I even notice a tear or two in their eyes. Needless to say, I walk out of the room, knowing that this has been an hour of my life that I'll never get back)
P.S: A disclaimer here. This post is NOT about bashing Manchester United (I had to include this because I fear for my life). Manchester United and Rooney could easily have been substituted by Barcelona and Messi, or some other combination. I chose Manchester United because, as it turns out, most of the FFFs I've come across have been United fans. Maybe the GFFs of United can tell me why. I have no clue.
Some of you might even be thinking that this guy is himself a huge cricket fan so maybe he's jealous of the fact that people are following another sport. Sorry to disappoint you people, I'm not that shallow. I'm a fan of good football, and if I may add, Lionel Messi. I might not know his Wikipedia page by heart, but boy, does that guy possess some skills!
And really, FFFs make me sick. Be passionate, even fanatic, about Football, hell, any sport, but please don't pretend to be Rooney's half-brother when you are of the opinion that Peter Schmeichel was United's Best Ever Wicketkeeper.
Well, this post is about a certain phenomenon that I've observed in the last one year or so. It involves the fans of that beautiful game, Football. The Indian youth has taken a strong liking to Football in the last decade and one of the major reasons behind that has been the comprehensive all-round coverage of Football on TV. Hence, we've seen a massive surge in the viewership of Football as well as the fact that more and more kids and teenagers are playing Football in school and College. While this is a heartening trend, it has also given rise to a new species, viz. the Frivolous Football Fanatic (henceforth referred to as FFF).
FFFs usually roam around in packs , and are often found clad in Manchester United, Chelsea or Barcelona jerseys. Certain quirks have been observed in their behavior ,including
1. Stressing the last part of every word (example: Rooneeyyyyyyyyy, Messssiiiiiiiiiii, Goallllllllllll, etc.)
2. Gesticulating to invisible people in their sleep
3. Diving suddenly, clutching their shins and making fake-grimacing faces, for no apparent reason.
4. Having heated discussions about the merits and demerits of certain numbers (442, 433, 4222, 4411 etc). You might think, 'hey, my 3rd Grade maths teacher taught me that numbers can only be compared quantitatively and not qualitatively'. But then, we are talking of FFFs here.
Other characteristics include the rather girlie obsession with colours (Red and Blue in particular) and always arguing with others while saying something like 'Hey, that moron dived!" or "Hey, he elbowed me and not the other way round!"
Ofcourse, we also have the other species, the GFFs (Genuine Football Fanatics), who, while sharing some of the traits of the FFFs, generally know what the dickens they're talking about and unlike FFFs, don't think that Red Cards are what you send your lover on Valentine's Day. It's been proved that GFFs are a progressive people and contribute to the diversification of the society while FFFs are, well, to put it mildly, an inconvenience to a certain anatomical area.
FFFs are known to have a strong affinity for GFFs (the converse may not be true), and infact aspire to become GFFs, one fine day. Hence, they can be found watching football matches keenly with GFFs, knowing when to make what noises, so their identity isn't revealed. Professors of Zoology have found similarities between their behaviour and that of a cattle herd.
I've had my share of interaction with FFFs and it has prompted me to present to you a dialogue.
The Scene is set in a normal living room. The people present are yours truly and a couple of FFFs. One of these creatures is clad in a no.10 jersey, ala Rooney and is sporting earrings, ala Becks. Let's call him FFF1. Another one of these creatures is wearing a red jersey, white shorts, black socks and red studs. He possesses certain large red-and-yellow spots of paint on his face, and is observed to blurt out "Red Devils Forever", intermittently, along with FFF1. Let's call him FFF2
Me (Entering the room): Hey guys, how's it going?
FFF1: Wadddyyyaa mean how's it going? Ofcourse it's going super-fantabulously-well for the Reds, and hence for us (winks at FFF2). United are at the top of the standings, once again. Glory, glory!
Me: But doesn't Chelsea have a game in hand?
FFF1: (Snorting and scoffing) Dude, how many times have I asked you NOT to mention the Chelshits in front of me and him (points to FFF2). It like, totally spoils our moods. Why waste energy talking about them when we can talk about the greatest club on the planet. You know what I'm talking about, right? (Silly grin directed towards me)
Me: Er, yes I do.
FFF1: Moreover, the Blues (uses air-quotes) have been going downhill ever since Mourinho left, and their current coach, Hugh Grant is a complete moron and whatnot.
Me: Okay, that's wrong on so many levels! Firstly, it was Avram Grant who was their Manager, and not Coach, and their current Manager is Carlo Ancelotti.
FFF1: Oh yeah, the guy who came from Inter Milan. But who really cares if its Hugh Grant or Avram Grant or Grant Flower? The Blues aren't worth keeping track of. Glory, Glory Red Devils! (Hands all up in the air)
Me: Uh, ummm.... Carlo Ancelotti came from AC Milan, I think.
FFF1: (Looking flustered now) Look, you want to hang out with us or not? We'll not have any of this Chelsea nonsense in this room anymore!
Me: Alright, alright. We can talk about other things.
FFF1: Or do you want to talk about other pathetic clubs like Loserpool, oops Liverpool. Sorry, slip of tongue, LOL! (Hysterical laughter everywhere, for the next two minutes)
Me: (Trying to start conversation again, amidst all the giggling) Ahem, I was watching a match on TV the other day, and this team scored 4 times, but the ref. didn't allow the goals because each time, someone was offside!
FFF2: Oh yeah, the Offside. Wasn't Saurav Ganguly like, totally, super-awesome on the off side? Ravi Shastri, he of the cliche' club, LOL, said one time that on the offside, you have God and then you have Saurav Ganguly.
Me: (Not knowing how to react, wondering to myself) Was I talking about Cricket? Did he just say Saurav Ganguly?
Me: (talking to FFF2): Er, um, I think I meant the Offside rule in Football, you know the one with the whole one-defender-behind-you clause, remember?
FFF2: (Caught off guard) Ofcourse, ofcourse, yes, yes, the offside rule, offside, offside rule (I swear to God, I was reminded of Lord Emsworth from P.G. Wodehouse that time). Ah, er, um, hey, what's that thing on your wrist? Looks like a nice watch to me! (Wink, followed by sly grin). That's a totally swell piece of metal and leather you have on your wrist there. Where did ya get it?
Me: My Dad gifted it to me.
FFF2: So, your Dad! Did he get you into football? I know mine did! Ever since I saw Roberto Baggio miss that penalty in the '94 world cup, I've been glued to this beautiful game (A blatant lie, that. Some days later, in an inebriated state, he told me his younger brother explained to him the rules of the game in second year of college).
Me: (Not knowing what to say) Oh, that's so sweet! (I heard it. L.A.M.E)
FFF2: So, tell me, big guy, did you watch that classic match from 1999? No prizes for guessing which one! LOL (Followed by a slight show of tongue, the physical version of the :P)
Me: (Pretty certain that he's talking about the Champions League Final of '99) Ah, well, I wasn't really much into Football that time, so I didn't really watch that match. But yes, I've heard so much about it, how United scored those two goals in injury time to take the Cup!
(Shock, horror in the room. I've told them I didn't watch the '99 CL final. FFF1 is staring at me , mouth open, jaws diverging to infinity, as if I'd swallowed a python in front of him. )
FFF1: (After gathering his composure) Dude! Dude! Dudddeeee! (Lord Emsworth, again) You're kidding, right? Please tell me you are! How do you expect us to talk to you if you've not watched that match? (Speaking to FFF2 now) Get that match from YouTube. NOW! We need to teach this one here a thing or two about being a Red Devil!
(Thankfully, tempers have lowered and calmness is back in the room)
Me: (Fearing these goons a little now) Oh, ofcouse, I'd love to see that match!
FFF2: Hey man, can I ask you something? Don't take it otherwise. When did you ever become like this? We used to be the best of friends and hang out together. And now suddenly, I'm seeing new sides of your personality.
Me: (Pissed off now, but trying to stay calm) Ah, er, um, you know, well, leave it, lets talk about it sometime later (What the dickens am I supposed to talk about?)
FFF2: (Smiling benevolantly now, like a father, whose on the verge of forgiving his son for stealing his Playboys) Oh, that's okay, I know you're a good guy. Speaking of good guys, isn't Rooney like totally in the form of his life? He scored twice against Fulham, 32 goals this season! Atta boy Rooney! The Red Devils can now claim to have the greatest footballer to have ever stepped foot on the planet. Bring on Loserpool! Glory, Glory!
Me (losing it a little): Look, guys, can I say something?
(Both FFF1 and FFF2 look at me with the milk of human kindness in their heart)
FFF1: Ofcourse you can, big guy!
(I've had enough by now. So I also decide to launch into a tirade, albeit not entirely correct, but driving home the point nonetheless)
Me: Alright, see in my humble opinion, based on whatever little football I've seen, I consider Messi to be a better footballer than Rooney. Rooney has the power and the precision, and he's probably the biggest name after Eric Cantona, but Messi is much more elegant, with the same goal-scoring ability. Rooney has to argue with refrees, sarcastically clap at them, elbow defenders and the like to score goals. Messi just has to turn up on the field. I know Rooney has mellowed down and all that, but in his early days, it seemed that playing football was an inconvenience that came in the way of his arguing, elbowing and creating rackets.
(All hell has broken loose. Blasphemy has been committed. I start looking behind my shoulder for hidden predators. FFF1 has already murdered me mentally, some 14 times.)
FFF1: Okay, I have to ask you then. If you don't think Manchester United is like totally the best club side ever, why the hell do you watch football ?
Me: (The pieces fall into place) Oh, so this is what it was all about. Well, I don't watch football because I'm a big fan of United, Chelsea, Barcelona or any club. I watch football because I like good football. There's a certain thrill in watching a person dodge the entire midfield plus two defenders to net the ball. That person could be anybody, even a striker from Wolverhampton. Plus, I'm more of a footballer-fan than a club-fan. These guys anyway keep moving from one club to another. So what do you do then? Ronaldo was adored when he was at OT. Now that he's moved to Real Madrid, he's being called names. That's highly hypocritical! I'm pretty certain if AC Milan poaches Rooney one day, you buffoons will probably start cursing him as well!
(The entire room joins hands, in a show of defiance)
FFF1: Well, we'll not be swayed by your nonsense! All this talk of being a footballer-fan is pure apple sauce. Manchester United was, is and will remain forever the best club in the world and anyone who ditches them will be looked upon as a traitor. Just like Beckham, who went to the New York Galaxy and now Inter Milan. Glory, Glory, Manchester United!
(At this point, the theme song starts playing on YouTube. The buffoons start shoving huge "Believe" placards in my face and confetti is in the air. I even notice a tear or two in their eyes. Needless to say, I walk out of the room, knowing that this has been an hour of my life that I'll never get back)
P.S: A disclaimer here. This post is NOT about bashing Manchester United (I had to include this because I fear for my life). Manchester United and Rooney could easily have been substituted by Barcelona and Messi, or some other combination. I chose Manchester United because, as it turns out, most of the FFFs I've come across have been United fans. Maybe the GFFs of United can tell me why. I have no clue.
Some of you might even be thinking that this guy is himself a huge cricket fan so maybe he's jealous of the fact that people are following another sport. Sorry to disappoint you people, I'm not that shallow. I'm a fan of good football, and if I may add, Lionel Messi. I might not know his Wikipedia page by heart, but boy, does that guy possess some skills!
And really, FFFs make me sick. Be passionate, even fanatic, about Football, hell, any sport, but please don't pretend to be Rooney's half-brother when you are of the opinion that Peter Schmeichel was United's Best Ever Wicketkeeper.
